I will know it when I find it.
I had a conversation with a friend tonight about finally finding the perfect military uniform to scene in. It will go well with the perfect nurse's uniform that is due to arrive soon (yeah! Thank you boys!). He seemed to think it was mentionable that I put alot of thought into my purchases, certainly more than most women put into finding the right pair of shoes. I agreed. It took a long time and some luck to find these things. It is not enough to purchase something because it looks good or carries the status of a well known company/artisan/creator. No, for me... it has to resonate with me... carry the message I want it to... above all, be unique enough to suit my eclectic tastes.
I realized that I am as selective about how I spend my money as I am about how I spend my time. People are no exception. Friends are only individuals who have made it past harsh judgement long enough to leave the perimeters of casual acquaintance. I really cannot stand far too many of the folks in the "community" because they are all walking psychological or emotional wastelands. Look too closely and you will see nothing but wreckage and waste. I suppose the same could be said about vanilla folks but my affection for BDSM means that I hold a higher standard of operational functioning for my peers. Vanilla folks are just tragically boring in so many ways that they do not even register on the radar. (One step short of being invisible and definitely labeled as insignificant but necessary.)
Not that vanilla is bad, mind you. I like vanilla things. Dancing, kite flying, meals with friends, sunshine, fresh air, soft grass and laughter. I need these things as much as I need oxygen and sleep. They sustain me. Rebuild me. Keep me sane and healthy. And hey, let's be honest for a moment. I actually fantasize about vanilla sex. Romantic, touching, endearing vanilla sex born of affection, longing and tender lust. (I suppose it just goes to show how jaded I have become that THIS is a fantasy and everything else is considered normal and routine sexuality.) I don't know that I could ever experience such innocent passion again nor am I confident that I could continue to enjoy it without suffocating in banality but I like to imagine it, nonetheless. I have lived out fantasies many people will never even admit to much less explore. I suppose like Buddha, now that I am starting to exhaust the pleasures of the flesh... it is the appeal of something more pure and deeper inside that calls me to keep searching.
I hunger for unbridled passion but these days, I must be the one holding the reins on it or it becomes something much more sinister in its promise. Controlled licentiousness, disciplined passion... this is what excites me. I like manipulating you into a dizzying frenzy of sensation and turning you loose like a spinning top, deep into your psyche. You don't know genuine pleasure until you see a grown man reduced to a humbled pile of flesh and softened into a helpless mass of genuine, vulnerable need and desire. Mmmmm... there is nothing more delicious, no surrender more sweet. Yes, I fantasize about vanilla sex but other than its novelty value, it cannot compare to what sets off the hot buttons of my sexuality when I play. I like hearing you beg. I like watching you squirm. I absolutely, totally find orgiastic pleasure in making you completely mine from the inside out.
After all, it really is about possession, isn't it? And if I am going to invest my time into possessing you, it is only going to be after I have given careful thought about whether you are worth keeping around. I don't do things just because I can. Only people toying with power want to do this. No, I play for keeps and I won't open my doors to kinky tourists or thrill seekers. I am not your tour guide through candyland. I am your Mistress. I am your Goddess, Empress, Queen! If I am not these things, why would I want to entertain your presence in my life? Idiots who take up space, make gratuitous noise and create messes as they pass through are already in abundance without my consent or encouragement. Your contributions to this are hardly necessary.
Life has become an issue of quality for me. I want quality of experience. Quality of life. Quality of relationships. Depth. Meaning. Context. Only my vanity defies my search for quality and even it has become a tool to capture things that offer those elusive essences. In the process of the hunt, I must become the thing I search for to draw it to me. I am reinventing myself in ways that I have not completely mapped out. I have no idea who I am becoming on a superficial level. I only know that I am evolving into the very thing that I pursue and I am not easily satisfied these days as a result. I am short tempered and critical of friends and strangers alike. The mature ones are settling into a death march to old age and complacency. The young ones flail about irresponsibly as if everything were a mean spirited joke. I like people less today than ever before but now, I search out the ones with the right character, the right quality, the right essence with more determination than I have ever applied to anything in my life. I am filled with "I want, I want, I want" but it is not for material things or vainglorious applications. I want something specific and like the uniforms I purchased, I could not describe what it should be or would look like but I will know it when I find it, instantly.
There is a wild light in my eyes these days and it is not manic energy but something in me that is growing and pushing upward, outward and beyond my current definitions of Self. I am being utterly transformed and like a Tesla coil, the power passing through me arcs and flashes as testimony to its undeniable presence.
I realized that I am as selective about how I spend my money as I am about how I spend my time. People are no exception. Friends are only individuals who have made it past harsh judgement long enough to leave the perimeters of casual acquaintance. I really cannot stand far too many of the folks in the "community" because they are all walking psychological or emotional wastelands. Look too closely and you will see nothing but wreckage and waste. I suppose the same could be said about vanilla folks but my affection for BDSM means that I hold a higher standard of operational functioning for my peers. Vanilla folks are just tragically boring in so many ways that they do not even register on the radar. (One step short of being invisible and definitely labeled as insignificant but necessary.)
Not that vanilla is bad, mind you. I like vanilla things. Dancing, kite flying, meals with friends, sunshine, fresh air, soft grass and laughter. I need these things as much as I need oxygen and sleep. They sustain me. Rebuild me. Keep me sane and healthy. And hey, let's be honest for a moment. I actually fantasize about vanilla sex. Romantic, touching, endearing vanilla sex born of affection, longing and tender lust. (I suppose it just goes to show how jaded I have become that THIS is a fantasy and everything else is considered normal and routine sexuality.) I don't know that I could ever experience such innocent passion again nor am I confident that I could continue to enjoy it without suffocating in banality but I like to imagine it, nonetheless. I have lived out fantasies many people will never even admit to much less explore. I suppose like Buddha, now that I am starting to exhaust the pleasures of the flesh... it is the appeal of something more pure and deeper inside that calls me to keep searching.
I hunger for unbridled passion but these days, I must be the one holding the reins on it or it becomes something much more sinister in its promise. Controlled licentiousness, disciplined passion... this is what excites me. I like manipulating you into a dizzying frenzy of sensation and turning you loose like a spinning top, deep into your psyche. You don't know genuine pleasure until you see a grown man reduced to a humbled pile of flesh and softened into a helpless mass of genuine, vulnerable need and desire. Mmmmm... there is nothing more delicious, no surrender more sweet. Yes, I fantasize about vanilla sex but other than its novelty value, it cannot compare to what sets off the hot buttons of my sexuality when I play. I like hearing you beg. I like watching you squirm. I absolutely, totally find orgiastic pleasure in making you completely mine from the inside out.
After all, it really is about possession, isn't it? And if I am going to invest my time into possessing you, it is only going to be after I have given careful thought about whether you are worth keeping around. I don't do things just because I can. Only people toying with power want to do this. No, I play for keeps and I won't open my doors to kinky tourists or thrill seekers. I am not your tour guide through candyland. I am your Mistress. I am your Goddess, Empress, Queen! If I am not these things, why would I want to entertain your presence in my life? Idiots who take up space, make gratuitous noise and create messes as they pass through are already in abundance without my consent or encouragement. Your contributions to this are hardly necessary.
Life has become an issue of quality for me. I want quality of experience. Quality of life. Quality of relationships. Depth. Meaning. Context. Only my vanity defies my search for quality and even it has become a tool to capture things that offer those elusive essences. In the process of the hunt, I must become the thing I search for to draw it to me. I am reinventing myself in ways that I have not completely mapped out. I have no idea who I am becoming on a superficial level. I only know that I am evolving into the very thing that I pursue and I am not easily satisfied these days as a result. I am short tempered and critical of friends and strangers alike. The mature ones are settling into a death march to old age and complacency. The young ones flail about irresponsibly as if everything were a mean spirited joke. I like people less today than ever before but now, I search out the ones with the right character, the right quality, the right essence with more determination than I have ever applied to anything in my life. I am filled with "I want, I want, I want" but it is not for material things or vainglorious applications. I want something specific and like the uniforms I purchased, I could not describe what it should be or would look like but I will know it when I find it, instantly.
There is a wild light in my eyes these days and it is not manic energy but something in me that is growing and pushing upward, outward and beyond my current definitions of Self. I am being utterly transformed and like a Tesla coil, the power passing through me arcs and flashes as testimony to its undeniable presence.
posted by Samois at 10:31 PM
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