Saints, Sinners and Everything Between
This was an interesting thread on a forum only because the man who made the following statement was then treated to numerous (!!!) replies intended to force him to look at the venomous judgement and hatred he was displaying by his position. He, of course, stood even more defiantly in his stand. It made me think though... and, of course, I responded with my own thoughts which were intended to be less about him and more about a phenomenon that is not so uncommon. Here is the original post and my reply.
Enjoy~
PS - Your comments are also welcome.
"If I knew that a domme was also a whore I would not be able to submit to her. Thats just the way it is for me. I have to be able to respect her to be able to submit. Simple as that. "
Interesting how this thread so quickly got sidetracked.
There are many folks who draw a hard line between escorts and dommes... usually it is the domme that makes that distinction clear. I am fascinated by Veritas position and would like to know more but I daresay, getting stream of consciousness information out of him now will never happen here.
With that said, I am not a saint. It took me more than a few moments to calm down so that I did not jump on the bandwagon and beat down Veritas for such a damning use of the word "whore" when referencing escorts. Say what you will about anyone's choices but in many ways, I have more respect for escorts than the usual trademark hypocrites I see running around with their little (insert designer name) bags and smug opinions of themselves. When it comes to selling your body for an easier life than the one you are living, I think we should be less hard on the ones that sell only their body and harder on the ones who sell all manner of romantic and emotional lies for their seat at the table of privilege. Say what you will, whores don't lie and that gets my respect.
Perhaps this is what disturbs Veritas so much, above and beyond the moral affront that everyone usually hides behind. For men who liberally use the word "whore" in this manner (Veritas may well be the exception so I will not direct this at him) - many of them have a level of sexual dysfunction and emotional rage at women that is frightening. Prostitutes make no pretense about what is being sold and what is not. Perhaps the "whore with the whip" is too painful a reminder that the woman you are looking for doesn't exist because the real love of your life that you are seeking is in practice, you.
I could be wrong but if I am not mistaken, starting with women from early life, these men see women as untrustworthy, emotionally unavailable and sexually carnivorous... the "gaping wound" of womanhood is seen as an abyss that sucks the souls, will or power out of men... (rapists and serial killers usually have the same opinions and are only differentiated by a tremendous amount of psychological and sociological pathology and early childhood abuse/trauma to boot)... so, if this is the case - is it any surprise that someone like this would be drawn to a Domme?
The domme plays out the overpowering, emotionally unavailable, selfish female authority figure who torments the man for his sexual weakness and vulnerability to her. She, in essence, punishes him for being weak in the presence of her overpowering sexual presence - and he, being weak and cowardly - cannot even bring himself to face the rage that burns within him. The fact is that he uses her to express his secret rage. The more sadistic she is, the more he is sated because it is not her rage that he is feeling but his own and in this way, he can both experience his rage and be punished for it, all at the same time.
But with a prostitute... he would be faced with a woman who accepts him as a man and does not treat him like a weak puppet who should receive only rage and abuse. She will not give him the proxy display of hatred that he seeks to experience through her. She dares give him a moment to experience intimacy but it is seen as mockery and a statement of his own pathetic handicaps because he had to pay for her acceptance. And, for some men, paying for her rage is more acceptable - and in many deeply disturbing ways - more desirable.
To ask such a man to show respect for all women and not to grasp at social displays of power by using strong moral judgement as a lance and flag is cruel and unreasonable. He is who he is and he chooses BDSM instead of therapy. And in our world, he is not so unusual so why would he ever need to think anything is wrong?
This is not to say that all men in the scene have this psychological profile. For those who are seeking balance not denial within themselves, power exchange is a beautiful, catharctic experience and is part of their sexuality; not an isolated, frozen splinter of it that should never be returned to its origin.
BDSM is not about sex like affection is not about love.
Post Scripte:
Before I forget. A couple points.
1) This psychological profile is also seen in vanilla society... everywhere which is why I am so familiar with it. Howard Stern is a living example of what I describe.
2) Knowing what drives someone Freudian train does not qualify one to tinker with the parts. I would be very careful using this as a blueprint for "domming". It's one thing to posture and play a part... quite another to start pushing deep, psychological buttons. The mess you end up with may well prove to be your own undoing more than your subs.
3) And P.S. - it works both ways. You have a psych profile as well that drives you to being a domme and it isn't just about the money - as many of you are quick to point out that this IS a lifestyle for you not an occupation - and the mirror image of the Domme is no more attractive when the guts are laid out on the table in all their dysfunctional display.
4) No one is 100% healthy in an unhealthy world. The only thing that saves us from recrimination is the responsibility we take both for ourselves and our impact on other people. I may not be above reproach but I am willing to own my mistakes and perhaps that is what makes all the difference in the world when everything is tallied at the end.
Enjoy~
PS - Your comments are also welcome.
"If I knew that a domme was also a whore I would not be able to submit to her. Thats just the way it is for me. I have to be able to respect her to be able to submit. Simple as that. "
Interesting how this thread so quickly got sidetracked.
There are many folks who draw a hard line between escorts and dommes... usually it is the domme that makes that distinction clear. I am fascinated by Veritas position and would like to know more but I daresay, getting stream of consciousness information out of him now will never happen here.
With that said, I am not a saint. It took me more than a few moments to calm down so that I did not jump on the bandwagon and beat down Veritas for such a damning use of the word "whore" when referencing escorts. Say what you will about anyone's choices but in many ways, I have more respect for escorts than the usual trademark hypocrites I see running around with their little (insert designer name) bags and smug opinions of themselves. When it comes to selling your body for an easier life than the one you are living, I think we should be less hard on the ones that sell only their body and harder on the ones who sell all manner of romantic and emotional lies for their seat at the table of privilege. Say what you will, whores don't lie and that gets my respect.
Perhaps this is what disturbs Veritas so much, above and beyond the moral affront that everyone usually hides behind. For men who liberally use the word "whore" in this manner (Veritas may well be the exception so I will not direct this at him) - many of them have a level of sexual dysfunction and emotional rage at women that is frightening. Prostitutes make no pretense about what is being sold and what is not. Perhaps the "whore with the whip" is too painful a reminder that the woman you are looking for doesn't exist because the real love of your life that you are seeking is in practice, you.
I could be wrong but if I am not mistaken, starting with women from early life, these men see women as untrustworthy, emotionally unavailable and sexually carnivorous... the "gaping wound" of womanhood is seen as an abyss that sucks the souls, will or power out of men... (rapists and serial killers usually have the same opinions and are only differentiated by a tremendous amount of psychological and sociological pathology and early childhood abuse/trauma to boot)... so, if this is the case - is it any surprise that someone like this would be drawn to a Domme?
The domme plays out the overpowering, emotionally unavailable, selfish female authority figure who torments the man for his sexual weakness and vulnerability to her. She, in essence, punishes him for being weak in the presence of her overpowering sexual presence - and he, being weak and cowardly - cannot even bring himself to face the rage that burns within him. The fact is that he uses her to express his secret rage. The more sadistic she is, the more he is sated because it is not her rage that he is feeling but his own and in this way, he can both experience his rage and be punished for it, all at the same time.
But with a prostitute... he would be faced with a woman who accepts him as a man and does not treat him like a weak puppet who should receive only rage and abuse. She will not give him the proxy display of hatred that he seeks to experience through her. She dares give him a moment to experience intimacy but it is seen as mockery and a statement of his own pathetic handicaps because he had to pay for her acceptance. And, for some men, paying for her rage is more acceptable - and in many deeply disturbing ways - more desirable.
To ask such a man to show respect for all women and not to grasp at social displays of power by using strong moral judgement as a lance and flag is cruel and unreasonable. He is who he is and he chooses BDSM instead of therapy. And in our world, he is not so unusual so why would he ever need to think anything is wrong?
This is not to say that all men in the scene have this psychological profile. For those who are seeking balance not denial within themselves, power exchange is a beautiful, catharctic experience and is part of their sexuality; not an isolated, frozen splinter of it that should never be returned to its origin.
BDSM is not about sex like affection is not about love.
Post Scripte:
Before I forget. A couple points.
1) This psychological profile is also seen in vanilla society... everywhere which is why I am so familiar with it. Howard Stern is a living example of what I describe.
2) Knowing what drives someone Freudian train does not qualify one to tinker with the parts. I would be very careful using this as a blueprint for "domming". It's one thing to posture and play a part... quite another to start pushing deep, psychological buttons. The mess you end up with may well prove to be your own undoing more than your subs.
3) And P.S. - it works both ways. You have a psych profile as well that drives you to being a domme and it isn't just about the money - as many of you are quick to point out that this IS a lifestyle for you not an occupation - and the mirror image of the Domme is no more attractive when the guts are laid out on the table in all their dysfunctional display.
4) No one is 100% healthy in an unhealthy world. The only thing that saves us from recrimination is the responsibility we take both for ourselves and our impact on other people. I may not be above reproach but I am willing to own my mistakes and perhaps that is what makes all the difference in the world when everything is tallied at the end.
posted by Samois at 9:42 PM
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